OH NO GRANDMA!! What a Filthy Mouth You have.

Warning This was Highly Disturbing to me, as I’m sure it will be to you…

Malibu, CA

The night air was crisp and the sky was clear. The light from the Moon danced off the ocean as I continued down PCH waiting for a ride.

I was summoned.

As I arrived to pick up my passenger, he came out to my car and said, “You’ll be taking my mother-in-law home from the wedding. Her mouth has forced us to kick her out. Please don’t judge her too poorly for what she says, she’s very drunk”.

I pause, and am about to say, “Sorry I can’t take another passenger, only the one who summoned me… a lie… but then the lady stumbles out, 4’8” tall (I may be giving her an inch or two more than she is), portly to say the least, and barely walking.

She gets into my car, very slowly, and the first thing that she says is, “Fuck the wedding, I just want to be home on my computer anyhow.”

She then asks me to guess her age. When I don’t respond, because I don’t want to engage in conversation with her, she says 71 years old.

Then she tells me how she was married for 40 years to her husband before he passed away. She talked about how they had met and married in 3 days. She said he was the love of her life and he treated her really well, even when she became over weight.

I started to think the conversation wasn’t so bad. The story was sad and sweet… and then she destroyed any sentiment when she said, “Staying married that long requires being really good at putting your mouth on a mans cock. He never made me orgasm internally, but he sure could lick my clit the right way.

I almost crashed… yet another image that is burned in my mind… forever… so this is what hell is like.

She went on to talk about how she had a clit vibrator now and how it just doesn’t work as well.

Then she went on about some website called vaughnlive.tv and how she met her last boyfriend there. She said she really liked him and that they had a wonderful time together.

I made the horrible mistake of asking her why they broke up…

She said, ” Well he was 56 years old and I’m 71… but thats not the reason… He ended up going to jail for flashing people at a mall. It makes me so sad. Although I think he was gay because he use to really love to use my dildo in his butt.”

I started praying to god that she would just stop… but she didn’t…

“I’m starting to think that my vagina is smelling like tuna fish, because all I eat is tuna fish salad every day.” She said randomly.

“Oh I can’t wait to get home and get on the computer. All the guys love me there. All we talk about is my moist hole. You wouldn’t think that many people would be into a 71 year old, but online I’m a dirty little whore.”

My brain at this point I believe was starting to melt. I was sure that at any moment my ears would just disintegrate and I would be left in a peaceful world without sound.

Then a miracle happened. We arrived.

She got out and blew me a kiss and a wink, then closed the door. It was the first time in my life I understood why emo people cut them selves to bleed out the pain.

I drove home feeling like the bad woman had touched my brain funny.

 

 

OH NO GRANDMA!! What a Filthy Mouth You have.

She Dangles

West Hollywood, CA

 

Well the day was going well. It had been a couple of weeks since any real incidences. Life was nice and enjoyable, and then I got summoned away to West Hollywood.

It was only about 8pm, usually the rides from West Hollywood don’t really start until 9pm.

The girl got into the front seat next to me, and then said, “Thank god! I’ve got to get home as soon as possible, I had a little bit of a situation and need to change.”

On second look, it wasn’t a girl, it was a trans-gender. Although, the voice kind of tipped it off better than the body.

She was on the phone, when she adjusted her self a little at the stop light. It was then that I saw what the situation was. Apparently so did she again, as she said, “Do you mind not staring its embarrassing enough, mkay, yeah, thanks.”

So apparently her strap had broke , and had freed Willy. Something I really did not need to see. I suppressed a laugh and got her home.  She continued talking on her phone like it was no big thing…

Ratchet.

She Dangles

A Bum Deal Gone Bad

Los Angeles 2:15am

You’ve never seen Los Angeles, the real Down Town, until you have traversed the one-way streets in the middle of the night while the city sleeps. The rats the size of cats scurry into the sewers as you drive bye. The homeless people in their tents send puffs of smoke out through their vents. Ambulances fly towards another victim here or overdose there, while the strippers get into their BMWs and head home for the night.

Los Angeles, a filthy disgusting sewer in the night, and well… I was trudging through it.

The light post flickered above me, and another bum fell asleep to his whiskey, slowly sliding to the side walk with a vacant expression of relief and numbness. Then the summons came and I was in for another LA treat.

I pulled around the corner from Skid Row, hesitant to pick anyone up, as this is not the area to do so. Then they ran around the corner and tried to get into my locked car. Two guys dressed in fancy clothes, with a shear look of horror on their faces. I quickly unlocked the car, they got in, and then I locked the doors just in time.

The men were freaking out, and as I was trying to look around to see why, as I putting the car into drive. Then I got my answer, a homeless guy came up screaming in front of my car, his palm splayed openly towards the windshield as if in accusation. His face told a story of madness, liquor and heavy drug use, his eyes spoke of shear madness.

Spitting out every word, which were very few, he almost screamed… in fact he might have been screaming… BUY MY CRACK!

At this juncture I was about back up, but there were pedestrians behind me, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it around the guy without hitting him.

BUY MY CRACK!

Clearly he meant the little rocks in his palm, and by crack… yeah he meant crack.

I asked the two in the back what the hell happened, just in time for a cop car to show up. Magically the bum started chasing imaginary birds, as if nothing had happened.

The two in the back started to laugh, hard.

Then one said, “We heard bums have connections to coke down here. So we asked that guy if he had any for sale. He then pulled out those rocks and said it was crack, same thing. We said we wanted coke not crack, and he went all psycho on us, yelling at us to buy his crack.”

The other guy interrupted and said, “Thats when I summoned the Uber and ran”. They both started laughing, then the second guy asked, ” Do you know any Hookers?”. Then said never-mind and had me drive them to a late night strip club.

I dropped them off, clearly they were out for trouble and things would probably not go well for them.

 

A Bum Deal Gone Bad

A Devil’s Threeway

Finally, something Ratchet in Santa Barbara.

It’s 12am still early for a Friday night. I’m sitting at thecorner of Haley and Chapala.  When I’m summoned to the Brewing Co. .

I arrive in 3 seconds then park.  A drunk couple gets in, and tells me another is on his way.

Finally the third passenger arrives, the star of our show; we’ll call him Dan.

So we start driving when the guy in the back starts to talk about having Dan come over for an after party.

Dan says sure.

Then the guy says, if your lucky we’ll play a little Devil’s threeway.

Dan says, “Never heard of it, how do you play”.

STOP!!!! Do you ever have one of those moments,  when you hear a question, know the answer, but don’t want to hear the answer?  This was one of those times.

Continue…

So the girlfriend, admittedly hot, starts to get excited, and proceeds to rub Dan’s shoulders, which turned to a reach around as she whispered, loud enough for me to hear, the intricacies of two guys, and one girl.  

The expression on Dan’s face was priceless. Poor guy looked like he was half retarded and about to drool in her hands.

So naturally, Dan agreed to this, but he said, and I quote, “As long as we don’t cross swords.”.

She said, “That’s a good boy.”, nibbled on his ear then sat back in her seat.

We, shortly after, arrived at their destination.

Now here is the part that gets interesting. I picked Dan up at their house a little after 3am. I was randomly his driver again.

He got in the car a little more sober. Then when he closed the door, he saw who I was and immediately was almost in shock.

I of course with no interest at all as to what happened…. naaaaw… asked how it went.

He said, “At first I was down for it, you know, she is hot, especially in the lingerie she came out in. Then , I didn’t think I could do it with someone else in the room, but she made me feel like I was the only one there for a moment, and it was better.  What sucks is,  I fell flacid, because it was like sticking it into a hole without traction. I mean I couldn’t really feel a thing in there. They both looked at me, and tried to get me back into it, but I was done.  So, I summoned you and got out of the house as fast as possible.”

I took the poor guy home. He looked miserable.

I guess if you mess with the Devil, you are apt to get burned…. Ratchet!

A Devil’s Threeway

I’m so faded

It was a pleasant day. I was out in Carpinteria. The sun was bright, and weather was just right for 2:30 in the afternoon.

I got the marching orders from Lyft to pick someone up close by. The person’s star rating was quite low, so I braced my self for the interaction.

She was pleasant and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why anyone would rate her a 4.3 instead of a 5.

After I dropped her off she summoned me again almost immediately. I raced back over thinking she lost something…

No… she had a … present for me…

As I pulled up she pushed her extremely drunk friend into the car.  She says, “Please don’t give me a bad rating for this.”

As her friends head bobs left and right, I start to grow concerned… for my car that is.  After-all its only 3pm and if she pukes thats the end of my day.

“I’m sooo Faded….(mumbling)… Faded… Hungry…” she manages to mutter from my back seat.

She then instructs me to, “Drake me do Mgdunldz..”.

Knowing that I should probably just take her home, because being this drunk she might compromise her self in a bad way in a public setting, I did what any good person in this situation would do… I took her to McDonalds.

Faded… so Faded.. what timers is it?

It’s 3pm.

Oh only tree.

She passes out. For the rest of the ride over to McDonalds.

So, as I pull up to McDonalds, I wake her up.

Oh, McDonalds, yes so hungry.

She gets out of the car, and falls against the car that is next to us as she tries to close the door.

I have to say watching her make her way to the front door of the Mcdonalds was en-likened to watching a dizzy duck trying to make its way into your house, only to be stopped by the sliding glass window that it face plants into.

As she pushes with her whole body trying to open the Mcdonalds door, she realizes its pull not push.

At this point I have this pang of responsibility wash over me. Sadly I get out of my car and walk in to make sure she’s not taken advantage of, and nothing gets stolen.  When I get there the she’s ordering at the counter.

“I want..”, she almost falls backwards, ” cheese and frus.”

The guy at the counter, looks very bemused, “You only want a slice of cheese and frys?”.

“No, I want a quatuh pru nder chee… and small frus.”

“Do you want to make that a meal, it will be 10 cents cheaper?”

“No drink! Just quah pnder with chess and fries.”

He gives her , her total and asks if it was cash or credit.

She replies by whipping out her American express card… Which she then takes and proceeds to try and shove the chip in a non-exhistant hole on the credit card machine.

After watching her for a few seconds trying to find the hole, which the irony made it all the more fun to watch, I said its swipe only.

With a look of triumph she swings her card magnanimously up in the air and brings it down wrong side into the swiper…

Determined, she tries again, but this time bending her card in ways it shouldn’t be, while trying to swipe it in, and then her purse falls on the floor.

I step in. I grab everything and put it in her purse, stop the guy that was about to take her phone from taking it off the counter, grab her card and swipe it for her, and then I have her just go sit down.

Her head rolls back and fourth and she tries to have a conversation with me. It was so unintelligible, that I couldn’t understand what she was saying, so I just nodded along.

Finally her meal was there. She grabbed it and drunken-duck-styled her way out of the McDonalds.

As we approached the car she tripped over the curb and falls into someone coming to McDonalds.  They catch her, wince at the smell on her breath, stand her up, look at me, then look at her, and he says, “Damn Lady isn’t it too early to be drinking?”.

She gets into the car, rolls down her window and proceeds to take the pickles out of her sandwich and throw them out the car while its in motion.

We finally make it to her house, she gets out and wobbles her way to the fence she has to get in, to get into the house.

She puts her arm up over then slumps down. Somehow in the course of about 2 minutes Drunk Person vs. Fence, does not go in her favor at all.

I finally have to step out of the car to help her.  Her bun was stuck on one of the wood posts sticking out, her purse magically was wrapped around the latch of the fence; I’m pretty sure keeping her standing, her dress was stuck in a fashion in which anyone coming by could be easily distracted.

So after getting her untangled and getting her to her door, I’m about to walk away when she blurts out, “You are so nice. Do you want to come in for a blow job?”.

I said,”No.”, and started to walk away.

She grabs my hand, and says, “It will feel real nice”.

I said no again, and doubled my pace to get out of there as fast as I could, before things got even weirder.

I got in my car and said to my self, “It’s only 3pm, I hope this isn’t a sign.”.

I know what you are all thinking, what did I rate the person that put me in that horrible situation. Well, since it wasn’t her that was being Ratchet, I gave her a pity 5 stars, after all she didn’t let her friend drink and then drive home.

 

I’m so faded

I DID IT ALL FOR THE POKE

It was a beautiful day in Santa Barbara, nothing  out of the ordinary.

I decided to stay by the beach and just watch the ocean for a bit, when I was summoned to the Fess Parker Hilton.

The guy I was waiting for took a few minutes to arrive. When he did show up he kept stopping every few feet, staring at his phone. I knew at once, he was playing Pokemon Go.

He hops into my car and sets his destination. Then every few minutes tells me to pull over real fast… This goes on for 3 hours…

We get back to the hilton, and I had to ask why he did it. His response was, because the 4000 poke balls, 600 eggs and 380 Pokemon I collected cost me less to get driving around with you, than purchasing them through the app.

 

UGH!

 

I DID IT ALL FOR THE POKE

Denial is the First Step towards…

It was a warm Monday in July. The cabbage fields were emanating a particularly lovely fragrance in Camarillo, and I was on my way to pick up my second passenger of the day.

I guess when I pulled up to pick her up. I should have known how my trip would be, as she was digging deep to get a wedgie out of her overly tight dress.

She reeked like beer… It wasn’t even 11am yet, thats pretty hardcore… Her bloodshot eyes, slightly skewed make-up, and uncombed hair  told the story of a night long after party somewhere in the hills.

So, naturally, I cheerfully ask, “How is your day?”.

She looks at me, rolls her eyes and says,”Just get me home.”.

I start to drive and she passes out in the seat next to me.

Now at first I don’t notice the painfully awful aroma starting to seep from within my own vehicle, because like I said, the cabbage in the fields was letting loose a particularly tormenting foul odor of its own. But as I pulled out of cabbage valley, and start to go over the hill, her silent but deadly’s became a lot more robust, and a bit louder.

I cracked open a window within seconds, gasping for what little salvation I could muster from an inward current into the car. It wasn’t enough, I needed more air, I opened the second third and fourth window.

Why isn’t it going away, I thought.

After another 10 minutes, I started to become intensely aware that whatever she pulled out of her ass when I was picking her up, must have been a plug holding the sulphurs of hell back from asphyxiating the planet.. The first seal has been broken towards the apocalypse… I blamed a Netflix original for that thought.

Then she stirred. She looked at me with an intense disgusted look, then said, “You realize even rolling the windows down, with this horrible smell, you are getting a lower star rating”.

I couldn’t help my self, I started to laugh. I couldn’t believe she was assuming that stench was coming from me.

Oh, its not funny, you should really consider what you eat before you start driving passengers around.

She was glaring at me, almost daring me to say it was her.

So, I did.

I didn’t say, “Your Mount St. Helen was exploding while you slept”. Even though I really wanted to.  I simply said, “You let loose a few while sleeping”.  I mean, why not. She’s already threatened to give me a lower star rating, so I might as well be honest.

She was horrified. Indignation ripped to her very core. Sheer hatred errupted in a single sentence of vehemence of , “Excuse Me?!”.

I said frankly to that, ” You were passing gas.”.

Then denial quickly erupted out of her, “No, I wouldn’t pass anything this awful, stop blaming me for something you did.”

I decided not to push the envelope, after all, I had another 15 minutes to go until her drop off.

All was peaceful and we were 5 minutes from her drop off, when she turns to me and says, ” You know, Beano is suppose to help with your issue.”

I was beside my self, I couldn’t believe she still thought it was me, and in the midst of an urge to retort, “Beano doesn’t help stale beer farts.”, she ripped not one, but two extremely loud, and horrifically pungent  gaseous emanations.

A few seconds passed, as did the tears of pain from my eyes.

Finally she said, “That wasn’t nearly as bad as the ones you let off.”.

I gave up, didn’t talk, and then dropped her off.  May she stew in her own juices.

 

 

Denial is the First Step towards…

The New Samsung Galaxy’s Are Horrible

I accidentally left  my phone in a chevron gas station bathroom.  When it was swiped by a 5’7 Latino male, he ran off with the phone and got into a white KIA vehicle with license plate 7LNV477, in the Oxnard, CA area.

I had to go get another phone. My previous that was stolen was a Samsung Galaxy S5. A great phone. Worked fast, didn’t take bad pictures, and you could add a battery into it that had 8500Ma .

I had to purchase a new Samsung Galaxy 7 because I didn’t have time to wait for a S5 to come in from Ebay nor did I trust ebay sellers to sell a real S5. They have a tendancy to sell custom made models from china made to look like Samsung S5’s.

The Samsung Galaxy S7:

First, its glass on the front and on the back of the phone, just like the S6. That means if you drop it, you can break either end.  It also means that the phone runs hot and they wanted a way to cool it down faster.

Second, the phone runs about as fast as the S5, I saw no real difference in speed of technology Vs. Core power of this phone. Which is odd because the Motorola did seem a bit faster than the S7, however being use to the Samsung Galaxy series setup, I went with the Samsung, because well… it had a better camera.

Third, calling ability is a failure.  If you turn off HD calling, your internet goes out on you when you make phone calls, that means you can’t multitask and look things up while on the phone with someone with speaker running.

That also means that if you want to get the best connectivity while on the phone when driving for Uber and Lyft, that you can’t get it. Because you have to have the HD on to stay connected to the Uber and Lyft servers, so your resources are shared.

The worst part is, since you are forced to use this HD mode, you are using your data up with every phone call you make.

Fourth, it says longer lasting battery, but it lasts continuously for less time than my S5 did with its normal battery in it.

The only good thing about the phone is the ability to actually shut off almost every bloatware feature installed for you by Samsung and Verizon, with the exception of youtube and google app products, for that you’d have to root the phone, which you probably don’t want to do since its under warranty.

So… I ended up getting another S5 shipped to me and returned the S7. The people at the store were not happy nor customer friendly about the experience of doing that. But, you know, you sell a bunk product expect a return or two.

P.S. To Samsung, if I wanted a non-customizable, overheating phone with a battery that can’t come out so you have to buy a new phone when it dies, I’d buy and Iphone.  Thanks.

 

 

 

The New Samsung Galaxy’s Are Horrible