So some how Google has managed to sell my phone information yet again.  I changed the name on my phone to Jesus Martinez… I got a phone call today for a Jesus Martinez…

I speak a little Spanish, so I was very amused at this turn of events. Especially when it was someone calling me to explain proposition 58. They were trying to convince me that it would be a good thing if students could learn bilingually in a classroom. Especially those children who have crossed here from central America looking for refuge from the violence.

I peaced this together, as my Spanish is pretty horrible.  So as the long speech ended. She asked me if I understood in Spanish.

I answered yes I did.

She then asked if I was going to vote for prop 58.  I said in Spanish, no it sounds very very bad.

She high pitch said, “Que???!!!”.

I made a point to say no, it sounds very very bad.

She paused. She then said wait a second in Spanish. Someone else came on the phone and said, something I didn’t understand very well, so I said what?

They repeated it again, I think they said, why do you think prop 58 is bad… but I’m not sure.

So I said, “No say”. Then I said, “very bad again”.

The guy on the other side actually got very irate, and sounded like he was threatening me that I needed to vote yes. So I hung up.

My job was complete. I finally annoyed a telemarketer back for telemarketing to me.

Side Note:  Its very interesting that there were no required signatures needed for proposition 58 or 59. I find this a little strange.

Ballot Measures for California Showing 58 and 59 with no Signatures to get on the Ballot.

Santa Barbara, CA

I was summoned to Montecito, on a very eerie day.  The fog was stirring off the coast, and as I started towards the hills, it gathered and poured into the hillside. It wisped around  trees and almost looked like fingers stretching out across the road.  Mesmerizing is the only word for its slow flowing movement.

I reached my destination and a man in his late 30’s gets in.

He doesn’t seem interested in conversation, so I ask if he wants me to turn on the radio. He says, “No, I have to make a phone call.” .

This is that one sided conversation.

Reed! Hey its Chuck.

You aren’t going to believe this.

Yes, I can wait a second.

Okay, get this, apparently Marilyn Manson is making some kind of Androgynous S&M porn.

No, I’m not kidding, Rich just told me about it.

Yeah, He’s out in the Hollywood Hills right now.

It didn’t sound like it was just another stunt for the media.

Haha, yeah I bet it will top Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson’s vid.

Hey, I have to run, I’m meeting Nicole out for dinner.

Sure, I’ll update you if Rich finds out anything else.

He then exited my vehicle… leaving me with a lot of unanswered questions like… WTF is Androgynous porn…

I guess the world will know soon.

So I have a 2015 Toyota Prius.  For 40,000 miles its been a great car. After that it started making a strange noise that has scared the crap out of some of my customers and quite frankly my self. So I took it in to the dealership and they cleaned out my air inflow, saying that there was debris in it.

$200.00+ later,  it was still revving the engine very high, periodically, while driving. It happened battery full or not.

I went back to the dealer, they said the problem was that someone hadn’t reset the intake flow sensors after the cleaning and replacements.

I didn’t get to drive the vehicle much, because I then got the worst flu ever in the middle of summer, and it turned into pneumonia.  So, three weeks later I was back on the road, with a passenger in the car.

They stated, and I quote, “Oh my god, it sounds like your engine is going to explode!”.

I dropped them off and went back to Toyota. This time they had me drive with a mechanic. Of course, the noise wouldn’t duplicate. So I tried driving it every which way , until it did.

The mechanic said its definitely revving high. He then did research and told me that it was probably a bad hybrid battery.  Then they called Toyota to get a go-ahead to replace the bad battery.

An hour later they came back and said , “Toyota says its normal for the car to rev when you are driving and the battery is low”.  Mind you that it happens when the battery is showing full as well.

Then they give me Toyota care to talk to… They start a case. They came back and said that Toyota’s decision is the same.

Buyer beware, according to my mechanic I went to, after I was unhappy with their response,  stated that the engine revving as high as it is can cause it to burn out while in motion. He stated I should probably get the hybrid battery replaced before that occurs, that its wearing down the engine life.

Moral of the Story? Don’t buy a Toyota Prius. I’ll be turning this one in on end of lease. Maybe a Ford C-Max will be better or a Tesla.

Warning This was Highly Disturbing to me, as I’m sure it will be to you…

Malibu, CA

The night air was crisp and the sky was clear. The light from the Moon danced off the ocean as I continued down PCH waiting for a ride.

I was summoned.

As I arrived to pick up my passenger, he came out to my car and said, “You’ll be taking my mother-in-law home from the wedding. Her mouth has forced us to kick her out. Please don’t judge her too poorly for what she says, she’s very drunk”.

I pause, and am about to say, “Sorry I can’t take another passenger, only the one who summoned me… a lie… but then the lady stumbles out, 4’8” tall (I may be giving her an inch or two more than she is), portly to say the least, and barely walking.

She gets into my car, very slowly, and the first thing that she says is, “Fuck the wedding, I just want to be home on my computer anyhow.”

She then asks me to guess her age. When I don’t respond, because I don’t want to engage in conversation with her, she says 71 years old.

Then she tells me how she was married for 40 years to her husband before he passed away. She talked about how they had met and married in 3 days. She said he was the love of her life and he treated her really well, even when she became over weight.

I started to think the conversation wasn’t so bad. The story was sad and sweet… and then she destroyed any sentiment when she said, “Staying married that long requires being really good at putting your mouth on a mans cock. He never made me orgasm internally, but he sure could lick my clit the right way.

I almost crashed… yet another image that is burned in my mind… forever… so this is what hell is like.

She went on to talk about how she had a clit vibrator now and how it just doesn’t work as well.

Then she went on about some website called vaughnlive.tv and how she met her last boyfriend there. She said she really liked him and that they had a wonderful time together.

I made the horrible mistake of asking her why they broke up…

She said, ” Well he was 56 years old and I’m 71… but thats not the reason… He ended up going to jail for flashing people at a mall. It makes me so sad. Although I think he was gay because he use to really love to use my dildo in his butt.”

I started praying to god that she would just stop… but she didn’t…

“I’m starting to think that my vagina is smelling like tuna fish, because all I eat is tuna fish salad every day.” She said randomly.

“Oh I can’t wait to get home and get on the computer. All the guys love me there. All we talk about is my moist hole. You wouldn’t think that many people would be into a 71 year old, but online I’m a dirty little whore.”

My brain at this point I believe was starting to melt. I was sure that at any moment my ears would just disintegrate and I would be left in a peaceful world without sound.

Then a miracle happened. We arrived.

She got out and blew me a kiss and a wink, then closed the door. It was the first time in my life I understood why emo people cut them selves to bleed out the pain.

I drove home feeling like the bad woman had touched my brain funny.

 

 

West Hollywood, CA

 

Well the day was going well. It had been a couple of weeks since any real incidences. Life was nice and enjoyable, and then I got summoned away to West Hollywood.

It was only about 8pm, usually the rides from West Hollywood don’t really start until 9pm.

The girl got into the front seat next to me, and then said, “Thank god! I’ve got to get home as soon as possible, I had a little bit of a situation and need to change.”

On second look, it wasn’t a girl, it was a trans-gender. Although, the voice kind of tipped it off better than the body.

She was on the phone, when she adjusted her self a little at the stop light. It was then that I saw what the situation was. Apparently so did she again, as she said, “Do you mind not staring its embarrassing enough, mkay, yeah, thanks.”

So apparently her strap had broke , and had freed Willy. Something I really did not need to see. I suppressed a laugh and got her home.  She continued talking on her phone like it was no big thing…

Ratchet.

Los Angeles 2:15am

You’ve never seen Los Angeles, the real Down Town, until you have traversed the one-way streets in the middle of the night while the city sleeps. The rats the size of cats scurry into the sewers as you drive bye. The homeless people in their tents send puffs of smoke out through their vents. Ambulances fly towards another victim here or overdose there, while the strippers get into their BMWs and head home for the night.

Los Angeles, a filthy disgusting sewer in the night, and well… I was trudging through it.

The light post flickered above me, and another bum fell asleep to his whiskey, slowly sliding to the side walk with a vacant expression of relief and numbness. Then the summons came and I was in for another LA treat.

I pulled around the corner from Skid Row, hesitant to pick anyone up, as this is not the area to do so. Then they ran around the corner and tried to get into my locked car. Two guys dressed in fancy clothes, with a shear look of horror on their faces. I quickly unlocked the car, they got in, and then I locked the doors just in time.

The men were freaking out, and as I was trying to look around to see why, as I putting the car into drive. Then I got my answer, a homeless guy came up screaming in front of my car, his palm splayed openly towards the windshield as if in accusation. His face told a story of madness, liquor and heavy drug use, his eyes spoke of shear madness.

Spitting out every word, which were very few, he almost screamed… in fact he might have been screaming… BUY MY CRACK!

At this juncture I was about back up, but there were pedestrians behind me, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it around the guy without hitting him.

BUY MY CRACK!

Clearly he meant the little rocks in his palm, and by crack… yeah he meant crack.

I asked the two in the back what the hell happened, just in time for a cop car to show up. Magically the bum started chasing imaginary birds, as if nothing had happened.

The two in the back started to laugh, hard.

Then one said, “We heard bums have connections to coke down here. So we asked that guy if he had any for sale. He then pulled out those rocks and said it was crack, same thing. We said we wanted coke not crack, and he went all psycho on us, yelling at us to buy his crack.”

The other guy interrupted and said, “Thats when I summoned the Uber and ran”. They both started laughing, then the second guy asked, ” Do you know any Hookers?”. Then said never-mind and had me drive them to a late night strip club.

I dropped them off, clearly they were out for trouble and things would probably not go well for them.

 

Finally, something Ratchet in Santa Barbara.

It’s 12am still early for a Friday night. I’m sitting at thecorner of Haley and Chapala.  When I’m summoned to the Brewing Co. .

I arrive in 3 seconds then park.  A drunk couple gets in, and tells me another is on his way.

Finally the third passenger arrives, the star of our show; we’ll call him Dan.

So we start driving when the guy in the back starts to talk about having Dan come over for an after party.

Dan says sure.

Then the guy says, if your lucky we’ll play a little Devil’s threeway.

Dan says, “Never heard of it, how do you play”.

STOP!!!! Do you ever have one of those moments,  when you hear a question, know the answer, but don’t want to hear the answer?  This was one of those times.

Continue…

So the girlfriend, admittedly hot, starts to get excited, and proceeds to rub Dan’s shoulders, which turned to a reach around as she whispered, loud enough for me to hear, the intricacies of two guys, and one girl.  

The expression on Dan’s face was priceless. Poor guy looked like he was half retarded and about to drool in her hands.

So naturally, Dan agreed to this, but he said, and I quote, “As long as we don’t cross swords.”.

She said, “That’s a good boy.”, nibbled on his ear then sat back in her seat.

We, shortly after, arrived at their destination.

Now here is the part that gets interesting. I picked Dan up at their house a little after 3am. I was randomly his driver again.

He got in the car a little more sober. Then when he closed the door, he saw who I was and immediately was almost in shock.

I of course with no interest at all as to what happened…. naaaaw… asked how it went.

He said, “At first I was down for it, you know, she is hot, especially in the lingerie she came out in. Then , I didn’t think I could do it with someone else in the room, but she made me feel like I was the only one there for a moment, and it was better.  What sucks is,  I fell flacid, because it was like sticking it into a hole without traction. I mean I couldn’t really feel a thing in there. They both looked at me, and tried to get me back into it, but I was done.  So, I summoned you and got out of the house as fast as possible.”

I took the poor guy home. He looked miserable.

I guess if you mess with the Devil, you are apt to get burned…. Ratchet!