A Bum Deal Gone Bad

Los Angeles 2:15am

You’ve never seen Los Angeles, the real Down Town, until you have traversed the one-way streets in the middle of the night while the city sleeps. The rats the size of cats scurry into the sewers as you drive bye. The homeless people in their tents send puffs of smoke out through their vents. Ambulances fly towards another victim here or overdose there, while the strippers get into their BMWs and head home for the night.

Los Angeles, a filthy disgusting sewer in the night, and well… I was trudging through it.

The light post flickered above me, and another bum fell asleep to his whiskey, slowly sliding to the side walk with a vacant expression of relief and numbness. Then the summons came and I was in for another LA treat.

I pulled around the corner from Skid Row, hesitant to pick anyone up, as this is not the area to do so. Then they ran around the corner and tried to get into my locked car. Two guys dressed in fancy clothes, with a shear look of horror on their faces. I quickly unlocked the car, they got in, and then I locked the doors just in time.

The men were freaking out, and as I was trying to look around to see why, as I putting the car into drive. Then I got my answer, a homeless guy came up screaming in front of my car, his palm splayed openly towards the windshield as if in accusation. His face told a story of madness, liquor and heavy drug use, his eyes spoke of shear madness.

Spitting out every word, which were very few, he almost screamed… in fact he might have been screaming… BUY MY CRACK!

At this juncture I was about back up, but there were pedestrians behind me, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it around the guy without hitting him.


Clearly he meant the little rocks in his palm, and by crack… yeah he meant crack.

I asked the two in the back what the hell happened, just in time for a cop car to show up. Magically the bum started chasing imaginary birds, as if nothing had happened.

The two in the back started to laugh, hard.

Then one said, “We heard bums have connections to coke down here. So we asked that guy if he had any for sale. He then pulled out those rocks and said it was crack, same thing. We said we wanted coke not crack, and he went all psycho on us, yelling at us to buy his crack.”

The other guy interrupted and said, “Thats when I summoned the Uber and ran”. They both started laughing, then the second guy asked, ” Do you know any Hookers?”. Then said never-mind and had me drive them to a late night strip club.

I dropped them off, clearly they were out for trouble and things would probably not go well for them.


A Bum Deal Gone Bad

A Devil’s Threeway

Finally, something Ratchet in Santa Barbara.

It’s 12am still early for a Friday night. I’m sitting at thecorner of Haley and Chapala.  When I’m summoned to the Brewing Co. .

I arrive in 3 seconds then park.  A drunk couple gets in, and tells me another is on his way.

Finally the third passenger arrives, the star of our show; we’ll call him Dan.

So we start driving when the guy in the back starts to talk about having Dan come over for an after party.

Dan says sure.

Then the guy says, if your lucky we’ll play a little Devil’s threeway.

Dan says, “Never heard of it, how do you play”.

STOP!!!! Do you ever have one of those moments,  when you hear a question, know the answer, but don’t want to hear the answer?  This was one of those times.


So the girlfriend, admittedly hot, starts to get excited, and proceeds to rub Dan’s shoulders, which turned to a reach around as she whispered, loud enough for me to hear, the intricacies of two guys, and one girl.  

The expression on Dan’s face was priceless. Poor guy looked like he was half retarded and about to drool in her hands.

So naturally, Dan agreed to this, but he said, and I quote, “As long as we don’t cross swords.”.

She said, “That’s a good boy.”, nibbled on his ear then sat back in her seat.

We, shortly after, arrived at their destination.

Now here is the part that gets interesting. I picked Dan up at their house a little after 3am. I was randomly his driver again.

He got in the car a little more sober. Then when he closed the door, he saw who I was and immediately was almost in shock.

I of course with no interest at all as to what happened…. naaaaw… asked how it went.

He said, “At first I was down for it, you know, she is hot, especially in the lingerie she came out in. Then , I didn’t think I could do it with someone else in the room, but she made me feel like I was the only one there for a moment, and it was better.  What sucks is,  I fell flacid, because it was like sticking it into a hole without traction. I mean I couldn’t really feel a thing in there. They both looked at me, and tried to get me back into it, but I was done.  So, I summoned you and got out of the house as fast as possible.”

I took the poor guy home. He looked miserable.

I guess if you mess with the Devil, you are apt to get burned…. Ratchet!

A Devil’s Threeway