It was a pleasant day. I was out in Carpinteria. The sun was bright, and weather was just right for 2:30 in the afternoon.
I got the marching orders from Lyft to pick someone up close by. The person’s star rating was quite low, so I braced my self for the interaction.
She was pleasant and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why anyone would rate her a 4.3 instead of a 5.
After I dropped her off she summoned me again almost immediately. I raced back over thinking she lost something…
No… she had a … present for me…
As I pulled up she pushed her extremely drunk friend into the car. She says, “Please don’t give me a bad rating for this.”
As her friends head bobs left and right, I start to grow concerned… for my car that is. After-all its only 3pm and if she pukes thats the end of my day.
“I’m sooo Faded….(mumbling)… Faded… Hungry…” she manages to mutter from my back seat.
She then instructs me to, “Drake me do Mgdunldz..”.
Knowing that I should probably just take her home, because being this drunk she might compromise her self in a bad way in a public setting, I did what any good person in this situation would do… I took her to McDonalds.
Faded… so Faded.. what timers is it?
Oh only tree.
She passes out. For the rest of the ride over to McDonalds.
So, as I pull up to McDonalds, I wake her up.
Oh, McDonalds, yes so hungry.
She gets out of the car, and falls against the car that is next to us as she tries to close the door.
I have to say watching her make her way to the front door of the Mcdonalds was en-likened to watching a dizzy duck trying to make its way into your house, only to be stopped by the sliding glass window that it face plants into.
As she pushes with her whole body trying to open the Mcdonalds door, she realizes its pull not push.
At this point I have this pang of responsibility wash over me. Sadly I get out of my car and walk in to make sure she’s not taken advantage of, and nothing gets stolen. When I get there the she’s ordering at the counter.
“I want..”, she almost falls backwards, ” cheese and frus.”
The guy at the counter, looks very bemused, “You only want a slice of cheese and frys?”.
“No, I want a quatuh pru nder chee… and small frus.”
“Do you want to make that a meal, it will be 10 cents cheaper?”
“No drink! Just quah pnder with chess and fries.”
He gives her , her total and asks if it was cash or credit.
She replies by whipping out her American express card… Which she then takes and proceeds to try and shove the chip in a non-exhistant hole on the credit card machine.
After watching her for a few seconds trying to find the hole, which the irony made it all the more fun to watch, I said its swipe only.
With a look of triumph she swings her card magnanimously up in the air and brings it down wrong side into the swiper…
Determined, she tries again, but this time bending her card in ways it shouldn’t be, while trying to swipe it in, and then her purse falls on the floor.
I step in. I grab everything and put it in her purse, stop the guy that was about to take her phone from taking it off the counter, grab her card and swipe it for her, and then I have her just go sit down.
Her head rolls back and fourth and she tries to have a conversation with me. It was so unintelligible, that I couldn’t understand what she was saying, so I just nodded along.
Finally her meal was there. She grabbed it and drunken-duck-styled her way out of the McDonalds.
As we approached the car she tripped over the curb and falls into someone coming to McDonalds. They catch her, wince at the smell on her breath, stand her up, look at me, then look at her, and he says, “Damn Lady isn’t it too early to be drinking?”.
She gets into the car, rolls down her window and proceeds to take the pickles out of her sandwich and throw them out the car while its in motion.
We finally make it to her house, she gets out and wobbles her way to the fence she has to get in, to get into the house.
She puts her arm up over then slumps down. Somehow in the course of about 2 minutes Drunk Person vs. Fence, does not go in her favor at all.
I finally have to step out of the car to help her. Her bun was stuck on one of the wood posts sticking out, her purse magically was wrapped around the latch of the fence; I’m pretty sure keeping her standing, her dress was stuck in a fashion in which anyone coming by could be easily distracted.
So after getting her untangled and getting her to her door, I’m about to walk away when she blurts out, “You are so nice. Do you want to come in for a blow job?”.
I said,”No.”, and started to walk away.
She grabs my hand, and says, “It will feel real nice”.
I said no again, and doubled my pace to get out of there as fast as I could, before things got even weirder.
I got in my car and said to my self, “It’s only 3pm, I hope this isn’t a sign.”.
I know what you are all thinking, what did I rate the person that put me in that horrible situation. Well, since it wasn’t her that was being Ratchet, I gave her a pity 5 stars, after all she didn’t let her friend drink and then drive home.