I’m so faded

It was a pleasant day. I was out in Carpinteria. The sun was bright, and weather was just right for 2:30 in the afternoon.

I got the marching orders from Lyft to pick someone up close by. The person’s star rating was quite low, so I braced my self for the interaction.

She was pleasant and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why anyone would rate her a 4.3 instead of a 5.

After I dropped her off she summoned me again almost immediately. I raced back over thinking she lost something…

No… she had a … present for me…

As I pulled up she pushed her extremely drunk friend into the car.  She says, “Please don’t give me a bad rating for this.”

As her friends head bobs left and right, I start to grow concerned… for my car that is.  After-all its only 3pm and if she pukes thats the end of my day.

“I’m sooo Faded….(mumbling)… Faded… Hungry…” she manages to mutter from my back seat.

She then instructs me to, “Drake me do Mgdunldz..”.

Knowing that I should probably just take her home, because being this drunk she might compromise her self in a bad way in a public setting, I did what any good person in this situation would do… I took her to McDonalds.

Faded… so Faded.. what timers is it?

It’s 3pm.

Oh only tree.

She passes out. For the rest of the ride over to McDonalds.

So, as I pull up to McDonalds, I wake her up.

Oh, McDonalds, yes so hungry.

She gets out of the car, and falls against the car that is next to us as she tries to close the door.

I have to say watching her make her way to the front door of the Mcdonalds was en-likened to watching a dizzy duck trying to make its way into your house, only to be stopped by the sliding glass window that it face plants into.

As she pushes with her whole body trying to open the Mcdonalds door, she realizes its pull not push.

At this point I have this pang of responsibility wash over me. Sadly I get out of my car and walk in to make sure she’s not taken advantage of, and nothing gets stolen.  When I get there the she’s ordering at the counter.

“I want..”, she almost falls backwards, ” cheese and frus.”

The guy at the counter, looks very bemused, “You only want a slice of cheese and frys?”.

“No, I want a quatuh pru nder chee… and small frus.”

“Do you want to make that a meal, it will be 10 cents cheaper?”

“No drink! Just quah pnder with chess and fries.”

He gives her , her total and asks if it was cash or credit.

She replies by whipping out her American express card… Which she then takes and proceeds to try and shove the chip in a non-exhistant hole on the credit card machine.

After watching her for a few seconds trying to find the hole, which the irony made it all the more fun to watch, I said its swipe only.

With a look of triumph she swings her card magnanimously up in the air and brings it down wrong side into the swiper…

Determined, she tries again, but this time bending her card in ways it shouldn’t be, while trying to swipe it in, and then her purse falls on the floor.

I step in. I grab everything and put it in her purse, stop the guy that was about to take her phone from taking it off the counter, grab her card and swipe it for her, and then I have her just go sit down.

Her head rolls back and fourth and she tries to have a conversation with me. It was so unintelligible, that I couldn’t understand what she was saying, so I just nodded along.

Finally her meal was there. She grabbed it and drunken-duck-styled her way out of the McDonalds.

As we approached the car she tripped over the curb and falls into someone coming to McDonalds.  They catch her, wince at the smell on her breath, stand her up, look at me, then look at her, and he says, “Damn Lady isn’t it too early to be drinking?”.

She gets into the car, rolls down her window and proceeds to take the pickles out of her sandwich and throw them out the car while its in motion.

We finally make it to her house, she gets out and wobbles her way to the fence she has to get in, to get into the house.

She puts her arm up over then slumps down. Somehow in the course of about 2 minutes Drunk Person vs. Fence, does not go in her favor at all.

I finally have to step out of the car to help her.  Her bun was stuck on one of the wood posts sticking out, her purse magically was wrapped around the latch of the fence; I’m pretty sure keeping her standing, her dress was stuck in a fashion in which anyone coming by could be easily distracted.

So after getting her untangled and getting her to her door, I’m about to walk away when she blurts out, “You are so nice. Do you want to come in for a blow job?”.

I said,”No.”, and started to walk away.

She grabs my hand, and says, “It will feel real nice”.

I said no again, and doubled my pace to get out of there as fast as I could, before things got even weirder.

I got in my car and said to my self, “It’s only 3pm, I hope this isn’t a sign.”.

I know what you are all thinking, what did I rate the person that put me in that horrible situation. Well, since it wasn’t her that was being Ratchet, I gave her a pity 5 stars, after all she didn’t let her friend drink and then drive home.


I’m so faded


It was a beautiful day in Santa Barbara, nothing  out of the ordinary.

I decided to stay by the beach and just watch the ocean for a bit, when I was summoned to the Fess Parker Hilton.

The guy I was waiting for took a few minutes to arrive. When he did show up he kept stopping every few feet, staring at his phone. I knew at once, he was playing Pokemon Go.

He hops into my car and sets his destination. Then every few minutes tells me to pull over real fast… This goes on for 3 hours…

We get back to the hilton, and I had to ask why he did it. His response was, because the 4000 poke balls, 600 eggs and 380 Pokemon I collected cost me less to get driving around with you, than purchasing them through the app.





Denial is the First Step towards…

It was a warm Monday in July. The cabbage fields were emanating a particularly lovely fragrance in Camarillo, and I was on my way to pick up my second passenger of the day.

I guess when I pulled up to pick her up. I should have known how my trip would be, as she was digging deep to get a wedgie out of her overly tight dress.

She reeked like beer… It wasn’t even 11am yet, thats pretty hardcore… Her bloodshot eyes, slightly skewed make-up, and uncombed hair  told the story of a night long after party somewhere in the hills.

So, naturally, I cheerfully ask, “How is your day?”.

She looks at me, rolls her eyes and says,”Just get me home.”.

I start to drive and she passes out in the seat next to me.

Now at first I don’t notice the painfully awful aroma starting to seep from within my own vehicle, because like I said, the cabbage in the fields was letting loose a particularly tormenting foul odor of its own. But as I pulled out of cabbage valley, and start to go over the hill, her silent but deadly’s became a lot more robust, and a bit louder.

I cracked open a window within seconds, gasping for what little salvation I could muster from an inward current into the car. It wasn’t enough, I needed more air, I opened the second third and fourth window.

Why isn’t it going away, I thought.

After another 10 minutes, I started to become intensely aware that whatever she pulled out of her ass when I was picking her up, must have been a plug holding the sulphurs of hell back from asphyxiating the planet.. The first seal has been broken towards the apocalypse… I blamed a Netflix original for that thought.

Then she stirred. She looked at me with an intense disgusted look, then said, “You realize even rolling the windows down, with this horrible smell, you are getting a lower star rating”.

I couldn’t help my self, I started to laugh. I couldn’t believe she was assuming that stench was coming from me.

Oh, its not funny, you should really consider what you eat before you start driving passengers around.

She was glaring at me, almost daring me to say it was her.

So, I did.

I didn’t say, “Your Mount St. Helen was exploding while you slept”. Even though I really wanted to.  I simply said, “You let loose a few while sleeping”.  I mean, why not. She’s already threatened to give me a lower star rating, so I might as well be honest.

She was horrified. Indignation ripped to her very core. Sheer hatred errupted in a single sentence of vehemence of , “Excuse Me?!”.

I said frankly to that, ” You were passing gas.”.

Then denial quickly erupted out of her, “No, I wouldn’t pass anything this awful, stop blaming me for something you did.”

I decided not to push the envelope, after all, I had another 15 minutes to go until her drop off.

All was peaceful and we were 5 minutes from her drop off, when she turns to me and says, ” You know, Beano is suppose to help with your issue.”

I was beside my self, I couldn’t believe she still thought it was me, and in the midst of an urge to retort, “Beano doesn’t help stale beer farts.”, she ripped not one, but two extremely loud, and horrifically pungent  gaseous emanations.

A few seconds passed, as did the tears of pain from my eyes.

Finally she said, “That wasn’t nearly as bad as the ones you let off.”.

I gave up, didn’t talk, and then dropped her off.  May she stew in her own juices.



Denial is the First Step towards…

The New Samsung Galaxy’s Are Horrible

I accidentally left  my phone in a chevron gas station bathroom.  When it was swiped by a 5’7 Latino male, he ran off with the phone and got into a white KIA vehicle with license plate 7LNV477, in the Oxnard, CA area.

I had to go get another phone. My previous that was stolen was a Samsung Galaxy S5. A great phone. Worked fast, didn’t take bad pictures, and you could add a battery into it that had 8500Ma .

I had to purchase a new Samsung Galaxy 7 because I didn’t have time to wait for a S5 to come in from Ebay nor did I trust ebay sellers to sell a real S5. They have a tendancy to sell custom made models from china made to look like Samsung S5’s.

The Samsung Galaxy S7:

First, its glass on the front and on the back of the phone, just like the S6. That means if you drop it, you can break either end.  It also means that the phone runs hot and they wanted a way to cool it down faster.

Second, the phone runs about as fast as the S5, I saw no real difference in speed of technology Vs. Core power of this phone. Which is odd because the Motorola did seem a bit faster than the S7, however being use to the Samsung Galaxy series setup, I went with the Samsung, because well… it had a better camera.

Third, calling ability is a failure.  If you turn off HD calling, your internet goes out on you when you make phone calls, that means you can’t multitask and look things up while on the phone with someone with speaker running.

That also means that if you want to get the best connectivity while on the phone when driving for Uber and Lyft, that you can’t get it. Because you have to have the HD on to stay connected to the Uber and Lyft servers, so your resources are shared.

The worst part is, since you are forced to use this HD mode, you are using your data up with every phone call you make.

Fourth, it says longer lasting battery, but it lasts continuously for less time than my S5 did with its normal battery in it.

The only good thing about the phone is the ability to actually shut off almost every bloatware feature installed for you by Samsung and Verizon, with the exception of youtube and google app products, for that you’d have to root the phone, which you probably don’t want to do since its under warranty.

So… I ended up getting another S5 shipped to me and returned the S7. The people at the store were not happy nor customer friendly about the experience of doing that. But, you know, you sell a bunk product expect a return or two.

P.S. To Samsung, if I wanted a non-customizable, overheating phone with a battery that can’t come out so you have to buy a new phone when it dies, I’d buy and Iphone.  Thanks.




The New Samsung Galaxy’s Are Horrible


So, its the typical Saturday night crowd, except… I’m in Ventura…

I’m sitting playing a video game of ninja status, when I’m summoned to the beach…

As I’m driving a homeless man on Seaward jumps in front of my car and nearly gets him self killed, then proceeds to shout… “You’re not suppose to miss!”.  Pretty spry guy for what looked like to be a homeless guy in his 60’s.

I proceeded to get to the beach, no further bum divers in the way.

I pull up to a little street and wait at the map drop point. Two people stumble their way towards my vehicle.  The guy trips and falls almost face first into the sandbank he’s coming down. The girl almost falls with him.

They stabilize and work their way towards my car.

I’m worried now that someone may have had a bit too much to drink… Big understatement.

So, they settle into the car and immediately start making out in the back seat.

Since they hadn’t given me an address, I just sat and waited.

The sound emanating from the back seat was starting to get on my nerves. Instead of two people kissing, it sounded more like a cow chewing loudly on its cud.

Finally one brilliantly looked up and said, “Why aren’t we moving?”.

The other quickly said, oh my address, and thus we were on our way.

They discussed eloquent things in the back, like getting hammered , and they couldn’t believe they got away with having sex on the beach.

About halfway there, I heard from the woman, “I think I have a bunch of sand in my vaj.”

Then I hear the guy say,”What are you doing?”.

She hands him her underwear and starts brushing off her cooch in my car.

He asked her if she needed help, as I pulled the car over and kicked both of them out.