Hit By a Car

Hi Everyone,

You may not see many new posts from me for a few weeks to a couple of months. This is due to my getting hit by a car while I was crossing at a crosswalk almost 2 weeks ago. Because of this, I have been incapacitated and am not able to drive.

When I get better, lets hope for a few more ratchet moments ūüôā

Thank you,

Derek

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Hit By a Car

Carpool Nightmare

Inglewood, CA at the Forum

Sometimes I wonder if the rideshare companies realize how far out of the way they send you to pick someone up. For this ride, I had to drive over 10 miles to pick up the carpool passengers.

They were two ladies coming out of a concert and they were messed up!

One was sporting a rock shirt, and tight pants that barely fit her, and the other was wearing a tight skirt and bustier type looking shirt.

As they got in, a second request arrived on my app for carpool. The girl in the bustier, of course, commented.

Ooh! I hope they are cute.

They both chuckled in the back, adjusting themselves to be presentable.

The poor unsuspecting guys had wandered into a neighborhood area to be picked up. They figured it would be easier for me to pick them up at, rather than on the busy street, they later told me.

As I pulled up, the girl with the Bustier jumped out and stumbled over to the grass. I thought she was gonna puke, and wasn’t paying attention until her friend, said, “Uh-uh, now thats just wrong.”

So, I turned my head in her direction and saw the guys just standing their agape as well.

Bustier girl was taking a squat on someones lawn.

What are you looking at? When a girls gotta go, a girls gotta go!

We all stopped looking, and the guys got in.

One made comment of, “Wonder how she’s going to wipe.”, the other just laughed. One guy had a pretty nice tattoo of a serpent slithering down his arm. The other guy was in a plain white T with leather jacket.

Everyone sat in the back so miss squatter had to sit in the front.

Then the nightmare began.

Apparently both girls thought the guys were cute in their drunken stupors. Bustier started the conversation, but it didn’t end there.

Bustier: How did you guys like the show.

Tattoo: It was pretty good, actually it was better than I was expecting, so I’ll have to say it was pretty great.

Rockshirt: I bet the drummer has a huge one.

Bustier: Right? Their performance tonight made me so horny.

Oh yes, they went there, and little miss bustier had her eye on Mr. Tattoo. I could only imagine the horrors running through his mind at this point… but it got worse. They kept hinting at the guys that they wanted to have sex. ¬†The guys kept dodging the conversation the best they could.

White-T: I’m actually pretty hungry, my self.

Bustier: I said horny baby not hungry.

Rockshirt: Do you have big junk Mr. Leather Jacket?

Bustier: Yeah I like it big and long. After pushing out a baby, you need something you can feel in there.

Tattoo: Oh you have a kid?

Bustier: 2 kids, but I’m thinking on having a third some day.

Rockshirt: I only have 1.

She seemed so proud¬†about the fact that she only had one child unwed…. and at that point tried to put her hand on White-T. He “accidentally” spilled his water¬†on her hand.

White-T: I’m sorry, I spilled water back here.

Derek: Not a problem… ( I was just very glad I wasn’t the one getting hit on.)

Rockshirt: So you guys want to come to an after party at our place tonight?

Bustier: Yeah we have plenty of weed and booze. (Mothers of the year)

Tattoo: Actually we don’t swing that way. Our boyfriends¬†would kill us if we went to a party without them.

Clearly these guys were not gay, but it was a valiant play on Tattoo’s part. However, the girls were undaunted by this.

Rockshirt: I don’t know about you Bustier, but I’m up for an Orgy tonight!

Bustier: Hey Mr. Snake Tattoo, wanna show me your other snake?

The guys were squirming in their seats and Bustier already turned in her seat started to move her hand towards his foreign territory. So, I hit the car breaks hard.

Derek: Wow, Almost hit a cat!

Relief swarmed over Tattoo guys face, as we pulled over to let the girls out a few seconds later.

Bustier: You sure you don’t want to come in?

Okay now she was almost pleading at this point.

Tattoo: I have to get home to my boytoy, sorry.

Rockshirt: Thats too bad, you don’t know what you are missing.

She stumbled a little on that note and almost fell.  Then slammed my car door.

We could all hear Bustier say, “They probably have small dicks anyhow”.

I pulled back onto the road, and it was quiet for a few minutes. Then Tattoo piped in,”What the hell was that!?”.

There was laugher… hard laughter for a minute.

White-T said,”Hey man, we aren’t gay, but even saying that didn’t seem to stop them any¬†how.”.

I don’t really think he needed to explain…

Carpool Nightmare

Lie Hard… Lie Harder

UCLA,

I got summoned, from all places, the freeway.  Meandering my way through traffic to get to the offramp in time was going to be tough, with the last minute request for a ride. Fortunately, I made it to Wilshire without having to bypass it and go to the Santa Monica exit.

As I made my way up Veteran, I get a phone call from my passenger. ¬†He requested that I honk my horn when I arrive, so that his girlfriend knows he’s being picked up. An odd request, but I complied.

As he made his way to my vehicle, his girlfriend stood there and watched him for a few minutes, then went inside.

Dude, okay this is a really strange request, but my car is actually less than a block away, but I need you to drive me around for about 3 minutes in the area before we head over to it. So she doesn’t see me.

Again with the strange requests, but I just said, “Sure”. I didn’t care why really, I’m sure he had his own reasons… but, he explained it to me anyhow. ¬†Why do the villains always have to explain their intricate plans?

So, I was late to the airport to pick up my chick, because I was busy macking with another chick. So I told this one that I had a little fender bender and was running late to pick her up because of it. I took a Lyft to the airport to cover for my car not being damaged, but I forgot her apartment is right around the corner from the other chicks apartment. Thats why I summoned you. I really like this girl and I’m gonna make it work with her, so that was my last time with the girl around the corner, it was break up sex. ¬†So I just need to complete this little lie and everything will work great from here.

I wasn’t sure what planet his mind was on, but in my world, you don’t have break up sex with one girl when your dedicating your self to another.

I took him to his Honda, and just as he got out the break-up sex girl came running out of her house.

BABY!!! ¬†I don’t want to break up, I love you.

She raced into his arms.

Besides, I just found out why I was being so mean to you.

You were having PMS?

No, baby, I’m pregnant.

The look on his face was priceless. ¬†I drove away with a smirk on my face, thinking, “Try and lie your way out of¬†that one”.

Lie Hard… Lie Harder

Turn on the lights!

Santa Monica,

She was about 24-25.

Sitting in the back seat talking to her friend, she said, “You really want to know why I left?”.

Her friend said,” Yes”.

Okay, so I got upstairs and really had to use the restroom. None were available. So I went in the other room to sit down and wait. Jake was in there making out with some other girl who was almost passed out. I was so pissed.

So that’s why you left?

No, I was going to use the restroom, then get even by making out with his friend.

Why did you leave then?

Its a little embarrassing. The restroom door opened and I ran in without turning on the lights, because I had to go so bad, and couldnt find the switch.

So you fell in?

No, worse, I ended up sitting on a toilet seat cover that was covered in someones shit.

Ewe! That is so grosse!

Right?!

Turn on the lights!

Who is picking you up on Uber?

Los Angeles,

Uber has no face to face meeting with their drivers when hiring like Lyft does. With this flaw, they have allowed people to make multiple accounts with multiple vehicles, and have had different people drive under the accounts than are allowed. ¬†Who’s to know if these people have dui’s on their records, felonies, or even no license at all do to illegal immigrration.

Uber users beware.

To fix this they should use the facial recognition and finger print recognition software available through most phones.

Who is picking you up on Uber?