I am not gay…. But you kissed me.

West Hollywood, CA

It was around 2:15am. The streets were en-likened to a zombie apocalypse, the drunk swaying back and forth to keep on their feet, inching closer to the rideshare cars that they think might be theirs. Some falling and stumbling blindly to the ground, as their lesser drunk counterparts attempt to catch them, but fall on their own in the process.

Avoiding the bodies flinging them selves toward my car off Robertson, I carefully made way to the mark on the map.

Two guys got in. One with blue streaked hair that flashed with sparkles. The other dressed normally and looking a little depressed.

They weren’t speaking to each other halfway through the ride, so I turned on the radio, after failing to engage them in conversation.

Finally the normal dressed guy turned to his friend and said plainly,”I am not gay”.

The guy in the back with the blue streaks erupted with, ” But YOU kissed me, I didn’t kiss you”.

The conversation continued:

I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing.

How do you call turning me around on the dance floor, grabbing my face and pulling me towards you to kiss, being drunk and not knowing what you are doing?

I thought you were the girl I was dancing with before.

So now I’m some random bitch in your made up world of lies?

Dude I’m not talking to you anymore, it was an accident, I’m not gay.

You were completely into the kiss too, you looked me directly in the eyes while you were kissing me. Don’t disrespect me like this.

I AM NOT GAY!

The conversation stopped for a minute or two, then the guy with the blue streaks in his hair turned to the other guy and kissed him. I swore the other guy was going to throw a punch, but he stopped and they just continued to make out in the back seat of my vehicle for a few minutes.

Then the guy in the normal clothes turned to the guy with the blue streaks and started to cry.

He said, “I think I’m gay.”

It got quiet in the vehicle as they just held each other in the back.  I dropped them off shortly after and then went on my way.

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I am not gay…. But you kissed me.

Warning, A Ratchet Tail of Terror

Hollywood, CA

It was the usual shift. Nothing eventful had really occurred all night and I was looking forward to getting off the clock a little early.

As I fumbled through the radio stations, while sipping on a diet pop, the indicator on my phone went off, letting me know a passenger needed a ride.

I hit the button to accept the ride and flipped a bitch to head in his direction.

Daft Punk started playing get lucky on the radio, and I was getting into the groove.

A few minutes later, I had reached my destination. I clicked the arrive button, and waited for my passenger to get in.

A burly man of about 32 or 33 stepped into the front passenger seat.  He introduced him self and we started to head toward his destination.

We were talking about politics of all things when suddenly he blurted out a long undulated BLAAART, then NEARED, then OPAPIEPKNAAAAH.

I immediately turned and headed toward the hospital, sure that my passenger was having an aneurysm.

Then it became eerily quiet in the car. I could sense something else was going on. I turned and looked at my passenger. His face was white and pale, his eyes had pupils the size of a point at the end of a sharpened blade.  He was looking at me like I was lunch, and was drooling.

My heart started to race, but my brain started to race faster. I had only moments to do something before something bad happened.  I searched my memory for what he could be on, 3 things came to mind, Acid, Shrooms, or PCP.

Due to his irrational anger that was exuding from him. I decided it was door number three PCP. So I attempted to elevate his mood, before he tore off an arm and consumed it.

The fastest way to elevate an angered addict on PCP is to laugh. It doesn’t matter if its fake or not. Just the thought of laughter is enough to elevate their mood and put them in a different spot.  So I laughed, and laughed, and laughed, while still driving and praying in my mind he didn’t try to kill me.

He started to giggle , then laugh as well.  But then he started to hit my arm while laughing, and I was right PCP… he just had to be one of those that hits while they laugh.

Each hit hurt like hell because his strength, from pure adrenaline, was probably 3x as much as it would normally be. I knew my arm couldn’t take it much longer, so I pulled over on the corner of San Pedro and 6th street, the light we happened to be at, and told him we’d reached his destination.

He stumbled out still laughing, and then face planted into the pavement.

I knew his anger centers were probably firing off like pistons, so I reached over and slammed the door, driving away as fast as possible before he could get up.

I drove to the nearest McDonalds and took a breather. I let my rideshare service know what happened, where I had dropped him off.

I went home.

When I woke up in the morning, I had a phone call from my rideshare service, asking me if I had seen his phone keys and wallet.  I hadn’t, but then I also realized that 6th and San Pedro was skidrow. I guess his karma got the best of him.

Warning, A Ratchet Tail of Terror

You Ruined My Rap Audition!

Van Nuys, CA

Two girls got in my back seat. Both were dressed so scantily you would think they were headed to a strip club.

They were talking about the new video they were auditioning for, and were so friendly… until, one took out a compact and accidentally dropped it on her friend.

Powder came out and spotted up her miniskirt, mini tank, and her heels.

As she looked down to see the damage done, my ears almost exploded with the scream she let out.

The one that spilled the compact looked horrified as she tried to curl up into the corner of the seat of the car.

“MY OUT FIT IS RUINED, YOU BITCH!!!”, she cried out.  “How am I suppose to fuck the producer into letting me on the shoot looking like this?”.  She glared at her friend and said, “YOU RUINED MY RAP AUDITION!”.

Then she picked up the compact and threw just the powder cake back at her friend.

There were words said, faces clawed at, threats of ,”I will kill you!!!”, etc…

So, I pulled over to kick them out. But, I couldn’t.  The one who had originally dropped the compact in the first place, had her top torn off and her left boob hanging out.

I gave them the option of going back to their apartment if they were quiet and didn’t fight, or me calling another driver to have them taken home.

They quieted down, and I took them home. The one with the torn top apologized and gave me $50.00 to get my car cleaned up.

They were lucky I didn’t report it so they would end up having to pay $100.00.

Moral of story? Don’t do you make-up in the car.

You Ruined My Rap Audition!

A Cup Holder I am Not!

Culver City, CA

It was an early Thursday morning, around 2am. Nothing eventful ever occurs on a Thursday morning, or so I thought.

I get summoned to a near by Gentlemen’s club off of S. Robertson, to pick up a couple.

The woman gets in, and instructs me on how to get to a house that is about 5 blocks away.

While she’s giving me instruction, the man in the back says, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

She replies,”Its about dignity and how I feel”.

I pull over to the stop, and she gets out of the car. I’m about to take off when the guy in the back says, “Just wait, we’ll be going back to our place soon.”

Now curious, I cock my head to the left to take a gander at what is going on.

The woman walks up to a duplex and screams,”YOU’LL NEVER SEE THESE AGAIN!! YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER! YOU REALLY FUCKED UP THIS TIME!”, while proceeding to rip open her blouse to expose herself to the world.

Shocked, and I’m sure turning very bright red in the face, I control a laugh, as to not embarrass the guy that is in my back seat any further than he probably already is… or so I thought.

She makes her way back to the car, buttoning up her shirt.  She gets in, and gives me an address to their residence in Hollywood.

They request a little music, and I’m thinking, “Sure anything to get what I just saw out of my head”.

Then the lyrics she’s singing are definitely not matching whats on the radio. She goes on to sing a rendition of bad romance, in the form of “I want your cock, and I’ll give you some head, you and me can fuck right in my bed…. ” then puts her hand on my ceiling and lurches her bottom torso upward in a gyrating mess of sexual innuendo singing, “Oh oh OOOOOOOOH…”. Yeah you get the picture.

Anyhow, all I’m thinking is,”That guy is definitely getting lucky tonight.”

Then it happens, I feel a soft, warm, moist pull of lips enticingly nibbling against my earlobe. Shocked, I almost crash the car.  I pull over to the side of the road and look back.

Instead of being angry, the guy in the back winks at me.

Images of  high fiving, sword crossing, and cup holding flash before my eyes. I immediately tell them convincingly… even though I’m not wearing a wedding ring, that my wife would definitely not approve of this.

They believed me and calmed down.

After I dropped them off at their place, I quickly ran to the pharmacy and bought some hand sanitizer. I rubbed it gingerly on my ear. God only knows where that mouth has been.

A Cup Holder I am Not!

What is the New HailYes Service by World Moto???

So, curious as to how World Moto’s Uber Like Service Works I Sent out a message with a request for information. Here is what Jeff Farrel had to say.

To
  • derekbai1ey
What is the New HailYes Service by World Moto???

The Ratchet Rip

Its only fair, that if the ratchet hour turns to be an affair of my own, that I poke fun of myself too.

It was in the middle of a busy delivery hour for sidecar.

I was in a rush, and heading into a customers apartment complex.

I reached the customer’s front door, knocked and delivered. Business as usual. Then he tipped me a dollar, something that doesn’t usually happen.

I took the dollar, said thank you, and quickly turned… a little too fast.

The dollar fell, and I bent to catch it… The sudden movement dislodged a proportionately large amount of gas from my bowels, which exploded in enormity straight toward my customer… Now if this wasn’t bad enough, my shorts tore a gaping hole in the rear section at the exact same time.

Not so bad right? Wrong!

When it rains, it pours in threes.

I happen to be commando that day, because laundry day was the day after.

So, my customer starts howling in laughter at my bare ass, as I became a world class sprinter, heading towards my car to get home.

The Ratchet Rip