Are You Going To Wash Your Hands In That?

Westwood, Los Angeles

Two male students took up the topic of water conservation.

Student 1: We should come up with a way that the school can conserve water.

Student 2: Right, but first we have to think of what really wastes the most water on and off campus.

Student 1: What about swimming pools?

Student 2: Swimming pools only waste water when they are filled. If they are covered, the yearly usage of water is minimal.

Student 1: I did not know that.

Student 2: The biggest waste of water in my opinion are toilets.

Student 1: True.

Student 2: So what can we do about that?

Student 1: Well guys pee standing right?

Student 2: Right.

Student 1: So lets advocate pissing in the sink to save water.

Student 2: Its gross, but brilliant!

Student 1: We’ll start the movement in our Dorm, and then it will grow from there.

Student  2: I’ll make the flyers tomorrow.

My thoughts: careful where you wash your vegetables, dishes and hands on campus lol.

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Are You Going To Wash Your Hands In That?

Fun With The Homeless

I passed by this homeless guy. He had the typical sign that read,”Hungry Please Help, God Bless!”.

I felt bad, so I rummaged through the change box in my car. I came up with about $2.00 in change. Pulled back around and gave it to him.

He said,”Keep your change son, only a poor @$!#er gives a homeless man change.”.

Undeterred, I went and used that change to buy him a chicken sandwich.

I handed him the chicken sandwich, to which he stated.”I can’t eat that, I’m a vegetarian.”

Now, I was determined to see if the hungry part of his sign was true. So, I went and bought him a side salad, hold the cheese, with vinagrette.

When I attempted to give it to him, he said,”I said vegetarian, not cow. What is this @$!#?!”.

I could understand not wanting to eat a bunch of lettuce, so I went over and got him a veggie burger.

When I gave it to him, he took it. He then busted out a huge wad of cash. From that he pulled out a $10.00 bill.

He gave me that bill, then said,”Now get out of here son, you are bad for business.”

Fun With The Homeless

She’s A Knockout

Downtown LA

The first thing he did when he got in my car is say,”Go, just go”.

So I went.

We were almost to the freeway when he said, “Shit, go back.”

Somehow I knew there was trouble brewing, as he started to chew nervously on one of his fingernails.

We pulled back up to the club where I had picked him up earlier.

She came storming up to the car, opened the door, then slammed it shut.

As she gazed daggers at him, she said,”I don’t even want to speak to you”.

In the awkward silence that ensued, I took it upon my self to turn on some music.

You could feel the tension oozing in my back seat. I just prayed the silence would last for another 10 min, which is how long it would take to get them home…. no such luck.

“How could you disrespect me like that”, she said, fuming.

With a sheepish grin he said,”I don’t know what you are talking about. “.

Oh, you know exactly what I’m talking about, I saw you.

I don’t know what you think you saw, but I didn’t do nothing.

And then I got dragged into it…

She turned to me and said,”Do you want to know what he did to my friend?”.

I didn’t get a chance to answer no, she just went on to tell me anyhow.

My poor friend was leaning over a planter puking, while he pantomimed fingering and eating her out from behind, for the benefit of his friend.

Then he interjected,”It’s not my fault she wasn’t wearing no panties”.

She cried out,”SEE you admit it!”

He started laughing.

“I don’t want you hanging out with that friend anymore, he’s a bad influence on you.” she retorted to his laughing.

He then went on to talk about how they’ve been friends for twenty years, that he’s only been with her for one etc…

Then I suddenly felt I was on a Maury show as she blurted out, “How can you disrespect me like this? I had your baby. You are really going to choose your friend over me?”.

I could almost feel the tension hitting it’s peak with those last few words.

Then, it came out of his mouth, I couldn’t believe anyone would say what he did…

“Bitch, please.  Anyone can have a baby.”

From my rear view mirror I saw her swing with a perfectly executed right uppercut. His head snapped to the right with such force, that his head struck, then bounced off my right passenger side window. He was clearly dazed from the impact.

She told me to stop and let her out, or she would jump out.

As I stopped, he said “No, I’ll walk, just get her home safe.”

As he stepped out of the vehicle, she said,” Oh, look at who’s trying to be all chivalrous now.”

He slammed the door and walked off. She slumped her head and started crying.

As I dropped her off, she apologized profusely,  and then made a phone call to make sure he was okay.

I chalked it up to one bad night for the both of them, and didn’t give them a bad rating.

She’s A Knockout

A Forest Grows Down There

Manhattan Beach

It was Saturday Night, and the bars were closing.

My patron stepped into my car, wearing those new shorts that show off the lower part of your but cheeks.

She was drunk and upset.

The conversation veered toward how every guy she danced with that night seemed disinterested in her after they bought her a drink at the bar.

I questioned her on how many guys this happened with.

She said,”About 4 guys.”.

After she said that, she got comfortable in the back seat. It was a very unladylike position she took.

I sympathized with her, but didn’t have the heart to tell her to trim her forest of doom, before wearing those shorts…

A Forest Grows Down There

Put That Back In Your Pants

West Hollywood.

With pain staking stealth, my passenger escaped the house of his most recent victim.

When he had masterfully accomplished the silent door shutting, he strutted with glee towards my car.

He was completely unaware that in his calculated escape he had forgotten to do one important thing… put on his pants.

As he reached my car, it became evidently clear to him his grievous error. He flopped out of his boxers for all the world to see.

The realization spread across his face as he looked down in horror. He started to cuss and slowly turned around. His shoulders slumped, and he walked shamefully back to the residence.

He lifted his hand to knock, but he just couldn’t get himself to do it. After a minutes breather, he finally raised his hand again and did the deed.

Nothing happened.

He waited a couple of minutes longer, and still nothing.

Finally, he rang the doorbell.

The lights in the house came on. Then a few minutes later a 350lb, atleast, woman opened the door in her silk nighty.

She waved his pants in front of him teasingly, then shoved them hard against him. She slammed the door and the lights went out.

He put on his pants, got in my car, and wouldn’t even look at me the rest of the ride back to his place.

Put That Back In Your Pants

The Ratchet Tumbler

It was around 4am in the morning. I was pushing it for the night, trying to make an even $350.00, after being beaten over the head with a 20% takeaway from my rideshare company.

I got summoned to a residence in Santa Monica.

As I pulled up , this 5’6, white, Barbie looking girl is sneaking out of the house.

The first thing I notice, is her hair. Neatly slicked to the side on one side, but wildly tangled to the other. A bun undone.

She carefully closes the door behind her, and starts to walk down the steps.

Did I mention she’s wearing what had to have been 4 inch heals?

Well, she makes it down the fist step.  She almost makes it down the second step, and then her right foot starts to wobble, causing her to tumble into the bushes.

As our girl gets up out of the bushes, she quickly does a one over on her self, brushes her self off and starts to walk toward my car, as if nothing had happened.

While walking to the car, at first I thought she was limping. Upon further inspection, I noticed that she was actually missing a shoe. It was kind of like watching someone on a merry go round as she got closer and closer to my car.

Then… sudden impact. I’m not sure what she tripped on, but her face impacted on my window, leaving a streak of lipstick smeared as far as her face moved down.

Again, it was as if I wasn’t there to her… Mind you I’m laughing somewhat hard.  She got up , brushed her self off,  looked down, noticed she was missing her shoe. She didn’t take off her other shoe,  instead proceeds in the opposite direction of my car to retrieve the lost one… Up and down , up and down etc…

Once our little ratchet tumbler has picked up her shoe, she ends up turning around and walking back towards the car. She still hasn’t realized she has the other shoe on.

Then, it was as if a dim light flickered for an instance behind her eyes, as she stopped, looked down really hard at her feet, and finally removed the other shoe.

When she finally sat back down in my car, looking at the bemusement on my face… I really tried to hide it, but couldn’t…  She said only 3 words to me for the whole trip back to her place, “Don’t Judge Me”.

I was able to control my laugh that was trying to escape from me and took her home.

Just an after note, it’s very hard to get lipstick off the window of your car.

The Ratchet Tumbler